Saturday, November 12, 2011

This Time Tomorrow...

....I will have missed OBX marathon.

I have only registered and missed one race since I began doing road races and that was an Iron Girl 10k in Seattle. I registered but for some reason I decided to go home to OK to see my family that weekend instead. Missing that 10k was hard....missing this marathon is down right depressing. On one hand, I am proud of myself for making the smart choice to sit this one out. But, yes there is alway a but, on the other hand I am totally disappointed in myself for letting my training slip, for just not doing it. Each and every day I made the conscious decision to not follow my plan. I kicked my shoes under my bed, or maybe in my closet (it's bad that I have no idea where my running shoes are) and just ignored them. They would call to me and I would cover my ears. And squeeze my eyes shut. And rock back and forth....ok not quite that bad but you get the drift.

A few things are going on here.

FIRST: My flame is so weak, although it gets going at times-see Tuesday's post-but it just has nothing to sustain it for more than one teeny tiny moment. I have lost my mojo, my spark, my desire. I know where it is and why it has gone and I can't really beat myself up for it.

I had a dream that I was walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. Weird I know. I hear a voice that said to me, "You are in the Valley of the Shadow of Death." And I looked around and it was beautiful. Green and lush. But it was dark and in the shadow of a very large mountain that looked cold and smokey. It was weird but I knew in my dream that I had to just keep walking, away from the mountain and out of the valley. I knew once I got out of that valley every thing would be different. So I walked....with the tune of Gansta's Paradise thumping in my dream. I know it just sounds crazy but I feel like this dream pretty much sums up where I am right now. Everything around me is beautiful and good, but I am in a dark shadow. I'll get through it, it's just a shadow, if I keep moving.

SECOND: I kinda like tri's now, like I like them more than just road races-and yes, I did say "just road races". The road running here in this part of the state I live in is, how do I say this...lacking, disappointing, lame, boring, not satisfying....I have tried for over a year. I got here on October 20, 2010 and have been tying to keep my flame going since then. It has been a struggle with the lack of sidewalks, road shoulders, trails, running partners, you name it. To put it plain and simple-I was spoiled by the PNW. Running will never be the same for me. Period. The only thing that came close to filling the void of my running buddies, routes, and favorite races of Washington is the triathlon scene here in NC. That lit a fire in me and I was happy this summer. I felt the rush of energy as I held on for dear life-literally-down hills on Nelly CIRN, as I swam through flailing arms, and I collapsed crossing the finish line. So maybe I have truly been taken to the dark side....triathlete. I can't wait until tri season rolls around again! But I don't think this means I can't enjoy a road race here and there.

THIRD: Absence of racing. I haven't done a race since my last triathlon in mid August. Even that one was not supposed to be my last. I had a few more on the calendar after that but once school started and my job kicked in life got difficult to juggle. But either way I have an urge to race. I should be racing tomorrow but I'm not. You, or at least I, can't just show up for 26.2. I think the next race I'll do is Ryan's Reindeer 5k in December. We did this one last year and it was fun. So I'm looking forward to it.

FOURTH: I need new shoes. I miss my Asics Kayano. My Saucony's have been nice but I think I have heard my feet complaining and I swear my left one said something about the good ole days with Kayano....So maybe it's time.

SO there you have true confessions this OBX, I sure wish I was lacing up for the marathon tomorrow. Guess I'll have to wait until April 29, 2012.

So any true confessions out there? Did my dream totally creep you out? Or maybe you have had dreams that you could analyze perfectly, where you knew exactly what it was telling you?


  1. From things you've posted (and probably more that you didn't post), it sounds like you've been living that dream.

    Missing OBX sucks. No 2 ways about it. Hey, who knows, maybe the fact that you'll sit it out AND that you'll pick up some new Asics (my fav) will help fan your flame a little longer one day. And then a little more the next....

    Wishing you well :)

  2. Hugs to you!! Don't ignore or underestimate your strength. You have been taking care of yourself and sometimes it is OK to have to work through that "shadow". My heart goes out you. I have been feeling a bit of that darkness and having a sometimes just getting through the day is the victory or RACE. Hang in are a super strong athlete!

  3. You're doing a great job...keep on, keeping on! :)

  4. I know a good way to cheer you up.... sign up for the Berlin Marathon and stay with me :)

  5. You are getting out of that shadow! OBX has a really nice 1/2 marathon in April, the Flying may want to look into it if it fits your schedule. Do you have any running stores down in your neck of the woods? If you do, maybe you can stop in and ask if there is any group runs or running clubs around. It sounds like you need some running friends to get you out and there. Sometimes it is better to run with others. And sometimes other people are the ones that force us to get our shoes on and out the door :) Next summer could be your Year of the Tri! Sounds like just the thing to keep u going (too bad we are heading into winter).

    Keep your chin up!

  6. Slowly but surely friend!! You WILL get there, just keep takin it slow!! You'll find your spark and life will feel "normal" again soon!

  7. I must agree though triathlons are much more exciting to me. I ran a marathon a week ago and kep thinking, this is all we do? I find that being severely ADD, I need the 2 changes between events.

    You will get back into it, everyone loses their motivation every once in a while =)

  8. Aw, Amanda. Hang in there, friend.

    If it's any consolation, my spark is fizzling, too. I didn't run yesterday, I probably won't today. In fact, I haven't run since Wednesday. I'm trying not to panic and just roll with it.

    PS: WE were spoiled having YOU out here. Hugs.

  9. Does it make you feel better that I have now signed up and bowed out of THREE marathons in 3 years...*sigh*

    p.s. Tris are way more fun. :)

  10. I read your blog on occasion but never comment. Thought I would offer up a cyber hug to you this time. It sounds like you could use one. I used to live in the Hampton Roads area of VA - not sure where you live, but I moved to a total blah area to run in - and lack of umph to push through - totally have that! My running partner and I are head to Monterey, CA next weeked for the Big Sur half marathon - I see you're training for the full - now. . . there's beauty, so I hope you find your way out of the shadow so you can enjoy what lies ahead of you. ((hugs))

  11. I gotta say, I loved reading about your dream. What a fantastic vision of life.

    Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for Thou art with me.

    Don't fear, just keep walking.
    I can't wait to run with you. I'll be starting small, so maybe I can be your go-to recovery run buddy.

    p.s. are you going to add Coolio to your running playlist now? :)

  12. Glad you know you WILL make it outta this valley! Congratulations on playing it smart this weekend ~ it's hard, but you know you made the right decision. Good job!

  13. Hugs to you!!
    Not sure what it is about Washington but I am not as motivated as I was when I lived there too. I think I had more "runner friends" there to help keep me motivated. Though it is beautiful to run here, the races are not the same. But I'm slowly starting to meet new runner friends (even though one just left me cause her hubby got stationed in Georgia).

    Maybe focus on just tri's and set a few destination races to focus on to hopefully help keep you motivated. I'll be at Seattle RnR next year, you should run that one again :)

  14. A "DNS" always stings, even when it's the right call. I hope you find your spark again!

  15. I just moved 20 minutes south of Charlotte and feel the same way about our neck of the woods, especially being from the West as well. It's a bit scary running on the country roads as there isn't much shoulder. I'm intrigued by you love for triathlons though, and now will spend the next hour looking and planning for some in the area, haha!


You're pretty much awesome!!


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