My Ever-Changing Life Goals....

Does anyone ever know their life goals...like really KNOW them and keep them? Maybe so. Maybe some people do...but for me, I don't. Mine seem to be ever-changing. From one day to the next they change. Some parts of the life goals stay the same. Like being a good, kind human being. That will never change. But what do I want to do with my life. Like REALLY want to DO with my life?

As I was driving to work this morning it hit me. I want to be great. I want to do great things. I don't want to be ordinary. I want to be EXTRAordinary.  I want to make a mark on the world. I think I currently do make a mark, a little one. But to the people I work with I am sure my mark isn't so little. As a mental health professional I see people's lives change and move forward every day . I also see people stay stuck, but those I can't do anything about. I can't work harder than my clients. If they don't want to change then I cannot help them. But the ones who want to change, want to make life better...those I can help. And it is those people that make my job so awesome! I love to see people move from the depths of deep, dark despair to seeing the sunlight, the beauty of the world around them, despite the hardships of life. It is those hardships that make up our life, they remind us that we are LIVING, and make us ever so grateful for the good times.

Am I living? Yes. I am living. But I have recently realized that I don't want to just sit around and let life happen. I want to MAKE my life happen. I moved to Oklahoma with a 5 year plan. I love being here and being near family. I love that LB is getting to hang out with his cousins and they are becoming like siblings. You see, it wasn't my life goal to be a single mom with one kid. I always wanted 5 kids. Five boys to be exact. But now I am accepting that may not happen. It might, but time is not on my side and the thought of having four more little humans kinda scares me these days. So that is one life plan that has drastically changed. I planned to be a doting wife, a super mom, and a part-time therapist. Wow, how those plans have changed. Now I am a single mid-thirties mom working by bootie off full-time, being as good of a mom as I can, with hardly any time to date. And if I do....dating with a kid is hard.

So my life plan, as it stands today:

Own my own private practice, working no more than 30 hours a week, in a small beach town. This business will address the whole person; mind, body, and spirit. It will address nutrition, fitness, and mental well-being. It will be awesome. Going to work every single day will not feel like work. I will have an awesome building surrounded by a beautiful garden where we can sit outside for sessions of therapy, nutrition consultation, or yoga, if we'd like.

Own a home within blocks of the beach and my office so I can walk to work, or ride by beach cruiser, or Vespa. Sit on my porch and drink my morning coffee, enjoying the beauty of God's handy work...every.single.day. And eat from my garden. Year round.

Live frugally. Purge unnecessary clutter from my life. Save, invest, and pay off debt so that I can travel and enjoy life.

Invest fully in relationships. Build strong friendships and maintain connections so that my life is fulfilled, even without a husband and five rowdy boys ransacking my life (and I mean that lovingly).

So there is it. My ever-changing life goal. Is this within reach on a 5 year scale? Maybe. I'm not sure. It all depends on how dedicated I am to the parts of my life that will get me to my goal. I am starting to make my plan. How do I get from Point A to point B? That I am not sure....but rest assured it will happen. Someday 5 Miles Past Empty will be 5 Miles Round Trip: House, Beach, Work....Life. 

And I cannot wait!

So what is your ever-changing life goal?

Day 4 Topic: Going to the movies...ALONE.

Dun, dun, dunnnnn.....

Have you ever done it?  I have. I think if I had to chose, a movie or dinner alone on a Friday night, I'd rather go to a movie alone....well I'd probably be hungry too, so I'd do both.

It doesn't really bother me to do things by myself. Over the past 9 years I have found myself doing a lot of things alone. In my days as a military spouse if I wanted to see a movie that wasn't rated G I pretty much had to go during the day when all my friends were at work and LB was in pre-school or school, or pay even more money for a babysitter. So I would to go alone usually to a matinee. As a matter of fact I think I saw the first Twilight movie alone at one in the afternoon in Lakewood, WA. When I went in I felt strange at first. Then I realized that I don't know these people. They don't know me. And hey look! There are a lot of people sitting alone in here....yep, this isn't so bad at all. And not only that but I don't care what they think.

Here are a few other things I have done alone:

-Gone to and ran a race, without knowing a single person.
-Gone out to eat....a hundred and 57 times, at least.
-Traveled by airplane-that is glorious-to a city, alone, where I know no one.
-Shopping (I'm pretty sure everyone has done that one).
-Gone to church, gone to a new church.
-Joined a new team or club and attended.
-Lived. Like actually had my own place, mine only, circa college.
-Driven halfway across the country, at least 4 times.
-Sat on a beach and watched a sunset...sat on a beach and watched a sunrise. West coast to east....
-Sat on a rock and listened to a river.
-Eaten a box on Girl Scout Thin Mints......not proud of that one.

I'm sure there are more but those just kind of stick out as clear memories with me, myself, and I. So how about you? Ever gone to a movie alone? What is your favorite thing to do by yourself? Anything I should try?

Day 3 Topic: Getting a Divorce. It's Stupid.

So todays topic is Getting A Divorce. Wow, a doozie for a running and fitness blog. But I think it is actually quite appropriate. I don't recall if I ever went into my experience with divorce in detail or not.  I will spare many of the personal details out of respect for myself, ex-husband, our families, and LB. But getting a divorce is tough....all around awful. Regardless of the circumstance. There is nothing easy about it.

In 2010 I began running a LOT. That year alone I ran three marathons and countless half marathons. I was running away, trying to escape. I was trying to survive the most painful time of my life. I was coping with the loss of a pregnancy, my husband in Afghanistan, divorce on the table, and my dad's cancer diagnosis (#worstyeareverinthehistoryofever). I could not run fast enough. I could not run far enough. I could not run away. I could not get away from all the painful emotions boiling inside me, killing me. But I did know that when I ran the pain was less, or at least different. It wasn't so much psychological in those miles, it was physical. My legs ached, my lungs burned, my ribs screamed at times, my ankles hurt, my feet burned with callouses and blisters....It was nothing in comparison to the emotional pain. I felt alive when I otherwise, and at other times, felt dead. I know I haven't talked too openly about how psychologically difficult this time was but it was awful. Even now when I think about it I want to go back to that time and hug myself, just hold me and tell myself I will be ok, not only OK but great. Not only great but HAPPY. I will be happy again. 

My actual separation did not take place until 2012. For many years we tired to make it work, tried to put our lives back together, fix it. We couldn't, for many reason, and it wasn't for a lack of trying. Looking back I think the last 3 years of the marriage were the most damaging. Dragging it out and trying to save a marriage that was not salvageable was.....detrimental to my core, changed me as a person, it almost seems like it damaged my spirit. But when it actually happened, when I came home to find the house cleared of any sign that my husband had once lived there, it was like a gut punch. I felt alone. Lost. Confused. Afraid. Worried. Sick....I felt a million feelings at once. I was spitting mad. The anger from years of trying. Years of pouring my heart and soul into something. Years of sacrificing and moving a lll over the place, years of worry and anxiety that accompanies being a military wife. Years of unrealized dreams, years of putting myself last, his career and needs first. You bet I was angry. 

I was angry for quite some time but I feel the breaking point came about 6 months after we separated. I slowly began to heal. I began to find myself again. Of course I was changed, I was a new person, but I began to have my own dreams and hopes. I became hopeful and excited about single life. I began to feel happiness for the first time is years. I began enjoying my freedom, my ability to make decisions for myself and not worry about what someone else wanted or needed (obviously not talking about LB here, he is always a priority and a factor in my choices). I took time to grieve, to heal, and to process everything.  I got in good shape, I ate healthy, I exercised. I smiled! 

All this to say divorce is awful but the pain and hurt won't kill you, kinda like a gun won't kill you. The person shooting the gun might, the actual gun won't.  One thing I remember being told, and I cannot for the life of me remember WHO said this, "This won't last forever. It will get better." And that stuck in my mind, like a broken record. It will get better. It will get better. I clung to that. It gave me hope. Of course it has been tough and new challenges arise, but it has gotten better. I am stronger and happier. I have worked very hard, I have put in many hours of my own therapy to work through this and to do identify my role in the dissolution of the marriage, because as much as I would love to poke a finger and place blame, I must also take responsibility for my part. The self-work I have done has been an important part of letting go...not holding the anger and resentment. One thing I realized is that in the end I am glad my husband moved out. I know it was hard, the hardest thing to do. He had to pack his stuff and leave his son, his wife, his dog, his home. I know that was hard and I know this because I myself could not do it. I wanted to. Trust me I wanted to leave so bad and so many times. But I couldn't. Him leaving allowed us both to heal our wounds and opened the door for us to live the life we dream of.....which I am still working on.

So there you have it, my thoughts on divorce. While I am an advocate for marriage and know it can be beautiful and so fulfilling, sometimes it is the opposite. It can be unhealthy, stifling, hurtful, damaging. Sometimes letting go is the best choice. How do you know if it is the best choice? The right choice? How do you know choosing divorce is not the biggest mistake of your life? Well the truth is.....you don't.  

A note on anger. Anger makes everything worse, more difficult. I'm not talking about in divorce only. I mean in life. Anger does not help and certainly makes things harder on yourself. Anger takes so much energy. It is exhausting.  I am not saying my ex and I are best friends, we aren't. We have certainly had our difficult moments, weeks, months. but in the end there is a mutual respect, after all we both have been through one of the most difficult times in our life. It is just easier to get along and get over it. 

And there it is, my thoughts of Getting a Divorce. Ugh... I'm ready for a run.

Always Behind...Living the l Life I Love...

So I have been slacking on my blogging challenge! Imagine that! I have the topics now I have just been stupid busy. So I have gotten behind....So it may not be a 30 consecutive day blogging challenge but just 30 blogs in as short of a time period as possible.

So for Day 2: My Worst Enemy

I'm pretty happy to say that if I were to end up dead there isn't anyone I can think of that would be a prime suspect....There is no one that wants me dead....I don't think. So with actual people as enemies off the table I think that only leaves me with myself.

I am my own worst enemy.

Bummer. How awful is that? Pretty stupid awful.

I must say that I have been working on that though. I have been being more self-aware of the things I think and say to myself, about myself. I have been trying to live my life, the life I want to live.  I have been trying to be more mindful of choices I make and the true intention behind them. Up until recently I wasn't able to do that. I have made decisions based on everyone else.  In fact for the past 12  years I have not made choices for me. But the time is coming where I will stand up to myself, the me that is often trying to appease everyone else, and say, "Self, that is quite nice of you to think of everyone else but what about YOU? What about ME?" It is time I stop listening to the voice that worries about everyone else and begin listening to the inner voice that says "You can do it! It will be great!"

So there you have it. I have been my own worst enemy in a lot of ways, hitting the snooze button, passing on a trip to the gym, not eating healthy, procrastinating, or just negative self-talk all around. But not anymore....not anymore.

Are you living the life you want? Or is something holding you back? I say it's time to take a risk and join me....well, join me in living the life YOU want, not the life want. 

Day 1....and 1.39809 miles....

Why is it that as soon as I commit to a challenge to get me back in to blogging life gets exciting and I actually have something to talk about? I really wanted to do Day 1 last night but I didn't get home until late and when I did get home I had to write an article for work that was already late.  And when that was done I was so tired I fell into bed.

I have been waiting to be released from the surgeon since I had my should surgery. And as soon as I was released you better believe I had a plan. I had been looking for an adult swim team and I found one!  Actually my niece told me that grown ups swim with her team all the time! I made a phone call and one thing led to another...I found myself jumping in the pool at 8 o'clock last night. I was so nervous driving to the pool. LB called me out and said I was just trying anything to get out of it. He couldn't have been more wrong. Yes, I was nervous but I was not trying to get out of it. As soon as I got there I was introduced to the other adult members of the swim team. They were so nice! And even LB asked me this morning, "Did you make a new friend mom?" His question caught me off guard but he noticed me talking and laughing with the ladies and one in particular who recently moved to OKC from Fayetteville ARKANSAS, and I moved from Fayetteville NORTH CAROLINA....weird eh?  Anyway, long story short I literally jumped right in and began the warm up.....and before I knew it an hour had passed and I had finished 2250 meters (and in case you need that in miles that is 1.39809 miles). I could not believe I was able to complete the workout! Not only am I out of shape my shoulder is not exactly strong. But I did it! I am paying for it today but I cannot wait to get back to the pool!

And for my blogging challenge topic: Checking the Closets Before Bed.

I don't.

Ok, ok, that was a short answer but really I don't. I'm actually surprised that this isn't something I worry about more. I tend to worry about bad guys a lot but one thing I am certain of is there is not one hiding in my closet. Having a huge German Shepherd does help. If there was a bad guy in the house he would know before I do. On top of that I have a pretty awesome alarm system (and a pistol that I am not afraid to use) that makes me feel confident that no one could hide in my closets. No one except LB anyway. He likes to hide and scare the bijeeeeezeeeses out of me. As far as super natural things and monsters....What in the world would I accomplish by checking the closet? Nothing.  I don't want to see them if they are there.....ignorance is bliss.

So there you have it......and tomorrow I will continue on with #2  My Worst Enemy.....this should be fun!

And I am Good to Go!

I had my final follow up with the surgeon last week. Good news is I am good to go! No restrictions, per say. The surgeon told me to follow my Physical Therapists's plan. Last week, before my appointment, I was able to swim 350 meters! I felt so great! I can't even tell you how much I have missed being in the pool.  I will be joining an adult swim team and my first practice is tomorrow night. I'm not even kidding, being sidelined has certainly made me appreciate being able to workout. This isn't anything new, it always happens. It's not until you're down with the flu that you realize just how awesome it is be healthy. I hate how it takes something like this to really make you appreciate how great it is to be able to be physically active. At home I have been slowly easing back in to my yoga practice, adding poses each night. My plan is go to my first class in one week. I know it's going to be tough, and depending on how much time we spend in down dog,  may not make it all the way through. But I am ready to try!


And now, my good friend over at  CACKALACKY TRANSPLANT has committed to 30 days of blogging. And the cool thing is that she used a random topic generator and now has 30 days worth of topics to write about. I have decided to join the fun. I decided to generate 30 of my own topics and here they are:

1.  Checking the closets before going to bed

2.  Your worst enemy

3.  Getting a divorce

4.  Going to the movie alone 

5.  Your ever-changing goal in life

6.  Things you wish you had

7.  Finding your soul mate

8.  Getting a new phone

9.  Going to the movies with your friends

10. Getting up in the morning

11. Bad hair days

12. A word that means something to you

13. Write a letter to someone you need to forgive.

14. The best moment of your life

15. 20 Quick Tips About Health

16. 20 Myths About Marathon

17. Why We Love Love (And You Should, Too!)

18. 10 Signs You Should Invest In Health

19. 7 Things About Marathon Your Boss Wants To Know

20. What is the first thing you do in the morning?

21. What is biggest regret this week? 

22. What was the last gift that you received?

23. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

24. What do you like to do on a rainy day?

25. Who do you envy and why?

26. Happiness is...

27. What do you sense you're supposed to do before your life is over?

28. What is changing in your life right now?

29. What relationships have had the greatest impact on your life?

30. What's the biggest step you've taken this year?

Some of these are pretty intense, especially since this is a fitness and running blog. But I figured that since I have had a difficult time blogging lately (and by lately I mean in the last 3 years) maybe this will get the spark going again. These topics paired with my new motivation to get more active and bak into shape should help. I hope.

So join in the fun if you want and let me know if you do! Be sure to check back tomorrow because I know you are DYING to hear about me checking my closets before I go to bed....

In Loving Memory of Lazy Dog…

You remember Lazy Dog, right?
It’s been just over a week since we had to say goodbye to the best dog I could ever ask for.  And even though I called him lazy he was far from it. He began having hip problems about 4 years ago. Up until then he could run with me a little but but not more than a few miles. He preferred to run at his own pace, to and fro, not on a leash.

All dogs go to heaven...It must be the best doggie play date Lazy Dog has ever seen, and he’s had some good ones.  Carson has seen a lot in his short 11 years. From Choctaw, OK to TX, NC to WA and back to NC, and back to OK and every state in between, Carson has had his paws in the Atlantic and the Pacific. He has climbed mountains, ran trails, frolicked on the beach. He's felt the wind sweeping through the plains. He’s chased rabbits and cats, and deer. He caught a bird once (and surprised himself and let it go), eaten bees, and begged for salmon. Carson had a big job, to protect his family. As soon as LB could walk Carson became his shadow. He saved my life three times that I know of, and who knows how many others. There will never be another Carson, named on a car ride between Wichita Falls, TX and OKC, because we were in the car and he was our first born, hairy son....Carson.

Saying goodbye is far from easy and I have a huge hole in my heart. But I can say that today I am better because he lived.

 

He is already missed dearly and will be missed for the rest of my life. Hopefully this weekend I can get out and run some miles in his honor.

If anyone else wants to join me feel free! Let’s see how many miles we can run for Lazy Dog!

My shoulds are wants...

I actually FEEL like something inside my brain has changed. A shift has taken place and  finally what I know I should do and what I WANT to do are coming together. They finally match up!! 

I know I should run. I should work out. I should eat healthy.... But for the first time in a loooooong time the should, need to, ought to's are matching up with my want to. 

I want my shoulder to get better so I can swim. So I can get back to yoga. So I can throw some weights around. I want to find a trail and go run it. I want to sign up for the OKC Marathon!! All these wants are not because I feel like I should or need to or ought to! I want to! 

I also want to live near the beach.....

Maybe it was the trip from Middle America to the bottom half of Florida that did it....something about toes in the sand gets my thoughts in order. The waves almost hypnotize me...

And twice in barely a month I have been able to hang with the TFF! She recently moved from the PNW to FL and of course we hung out! And now I have an excuse to make it to Florida any time I want!

But here I am, back in Oklahoma. I've already gone for a run this evening and am looking forward to doing it gain in the morning! Because I want to!