My first 26.2....

...I can hardly believe that 5 years ago this coming weekend was my first marathon.

This past weekend, April 19, was the 20th anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing. I also can't believe it has been 20 years.

When I decided to run my first marathon I knew I wanted the OKC Memorial Marathon to be my first. It had meaning. It was home for me. My friends and family could be there. It would be awesome. And it was. It was also one of the most emotional races I have ever done, second only to the Wear Blue Run to Remember mile of the Seattle Marathon.....that was a gut punch.

So this coming weekend is the OKC marathon. I can't deny, I am pretty bummed that I am not in any condition to run it, nor the 13.1. I wish I was still at  point where I could just decide to run and the next day show up. But that isn't where I'm at, for now.

Anyway, 5 years ago I was in the midst of Tapper Madness. I was scared. Terrified of the 26.2. I thought it was possible that I could just die. Not make it. DNF. Feel some crazy, awful pain....But all my fear and anxiety was for naught.  I never hit the wall. I soaked up every inch of that 26.2 and ran with endurance the race that was before me. I didn't know what wold happen that day but I did know that so many people had suffered far worse that I was going to.

I miss the days of marathon running. I never thought I would say that. But it's true. Training for a marathon is hard. It took so much energy and time. But the biggest difference between then and today is that then, 5 years ago, I needed the marathon. I needed to set a goal that seemed impossible. I needed a reason to push myself. To prove to myself I was OK. I needed to overcome a challenge so big that when the time came I would be able to overcome an even bigger challenge....and here I am today. I'm so glad that I don't need the marathon today but I want it....But do I want it enough to actually start training? I don't know.

Maybe.