Saturday, October 1, 2011

Blah.....

I've got a bad case of the "I don't care anymore".

I think I'm in BIG trouble for my OBX full Marathon in Nov. I have been off my running game, actually, truth be told I have no running game right now. There are a lot of things that have me not feeling like lacing up and honestly I can't just shake the feeling of not caring. At least not right now. Running has gotten me through some tough times, there is no denying that. But this, right now, is different. I am having a hard time finding the time and when I do find the time I can't find the will, the motivation, to go for a run.

As a Mental Health Professional I'll say it, I feel depressed. I have been worse before, that's no secret. If I'm not full-blown depressed, which I think I am teetering on the edge of depression, I am stressed to the max. I know running can help relieve stress, it has worked in the past, but since moving to NC running just ins't the same anymore. It's not convenient, the scenery stinks, the routes stink. It is more of a chore and a hassle than a pleasure.

LB and I had to leave OK and return to NC. I couldn't keep LB out of school too long. My heart is in OK with my family right now but I can't be there. I will be going back to be with my family, I just don't know when. My dad is hanging in there with hospice care. It breaks my heart not being there....

While I was in OK I did get in a run. I ran the dirt roads I used to run and play on as a kid. I had a lot of fun memories on those roads. As a kid I used to run a mile down the road where my dad would be working on the tractor, or with the cows, or whatever else. I remember learning to drive with my dad on that road, going fishing, chasing cows, checking out deer tracks, or just sitting there with his dinner waiting and watching him on the combine.

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As I ran I wanted to run forever, until I was a kid again and I didn't have to worry about grown up things. I wanted to stop at the bridge and look in the water to see me, my reflection as a 10 year old again. But I knew no matter how hard or how far I ran I would end up right back at my parent's house with nothing changed or different. The run let me down, it didn't heal my broken heart, clear my head, or change anything......maybe I had too high of expectations but I hoped I would finish and everything would be different.

So for now, me and running aren't speaking. Hopefully we can work things out soon or else I'll be skipping out of my first North Carolina 26.2.


24 comments:

  1. I'm there as well. I haven't run for 7 days now. So not like me. Today I decided that it is ok. I keep trying to reason with myself. I know I'll pick myself back up. Lots of things going on with life and sometimes even though it's an escape, making time for a run is just too much for my plate to hold.

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  2. Hey there...I love to read your blog. I am not a "runner" but I love your sense of humor and you encourage me to go further and do more...I am sad and sorry to hear about your dad. I encourage you to be good to yourself. The memories your have of your dad are priceless. It is OK to feel sad, lost, depressed. Give yourself permission. You can be thankful that your heart is breaking over a man that gave so much to you to you...what a gift! I will pray for you and your family.

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  3. "As I ran I wanted to run forever, until I was a kid again and I didn't have to worry about grown up things. I wanted to stop at the bridge and look in the water to see me, my reflection as a 10 year old again. But I knew no matter how hard or how far I ran I would end up right back at my parent's house with nothing changed or different...." This made me cry. Beautiful words and something so universal about this...this feeling of wanting to run away, go back to the way things used to be...

    So glad you posted this. I'm not going to pretend to know exactly how you are feeling or like I've been following your story closely up until now because I haven't been good at that lately...but I will tell you that I hear you. What you write resonates with me. And I am thinking of you right now...for whatever that is worth. Thank you for sharing your heart. And writing so beautifully here. Hoping for healing and new light in your life.

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  4. You know that running will always be there for you, whether you pick it up next week or next year. I hope that writing about what you're going through helps you a little; i know it helps others.

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  5. Since your last post, you've been on my mind. It's so hard when you're going through such a sad time w/ your dad. Then add the issues w/ NC and the stinky routes, etc.....I agree, "BLAH"

    What helps for me when me and running aren't speaking is, I don't fight it. Sometimes that's all it takes to start the healing process and remember why I love (and need) running.

    I wish you well.

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  6. I'm sorry about your dad. There's something to be said about running in familiar terrorities and on routes that bring memories.
    I hope you'll find an outlet to help you relieve some of that stress/depression.
    Hang in there.

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  7. Gosh, all the things you're saying are things I'm thinking. I swore that when we moved to Texas I wouldn't feel like this about running, but I do. Like you, running got me through hard times: two years of being away from my husband, my sister's horrible car accident and family problems. I hope you can find solace somehow and not feel depressed.

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  8. HUG!!!! Girl do what you have to do. Running will be there when you need it. Don't worry about that 26.2. Praying for your heart and Dad!!!

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  9. Sent you a msg on Facebook.

    miss you chick.

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  10. Love how real you are. Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you really have a lot on your plate right now. I think as runners we sometimes put too much pressure and guilt on ourselves to get the miles in. Maybe a break is just what you need. I will be praying for you and your dad.

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  11. I am so sorry about your dad. I completely understand about running 'letting you down' in a sense. My thoughts are with you and your family and I know that you'll find happiness in the road again.

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  12. Veronica (navy wife)October 1, 2011 at 11:23 PM

    As far as running goes, you have the rest of your life to love it again. Even if you take an entire YEAR off from running, that would still only represent 2% of your running future (assuming you live for another 50 years.) Maybe you just need to give yourself permission to put it on the shelf for a while?

    As far as the more sensitive things, I hope you can find comfort in the people who you love and who love you. In these hard times, we can thank God for the relationships we've been given. How comforting it is to know we are not alone.


    I can't wait to hate on NC with you soon! Physical therapy is a charm. I should be up and back to running by the new year. I am going to need a coach to get me back in the game.....*nudge nudge*

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  13. I feel like I'm in the same boat too. Usually going out for a run clears my head and makes me feel so much better about everything. Right now, my head is cloudy and I can't find any kind of rhythm. It's very frustrating! Hang in there...

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  14. i am so sorry...sending you warm thoughts

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  15. I've been there and nothing I can say is going to be right. But know I'm thinking of you and yours. Hugs!

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  16. Why not try and head out for a brief 20 min. run...may help to clear your head..don't worry about milage or marathons..just get out there and feel the road..if you feel like running longer than 20 mins decide that mid run..if you only do 2o minutes..it was good to get the blood flowing and might help with some of the depression. Hang in there :)

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  17. Thinking of you A. I'm with you, for different reasons but the same feelings. A run sometimes can help, maybe I should go for one. Instead I'm making chocolate chip cookies.

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  18. Hi,
    I've been reading your blog for a few months. I'm so sorry for the dark time you are going through right now, and I'm especially sorry about your dad.

    Take care of yourself- maybe walk instead of run??? Don't put so much pressure on yourself. Don't beat yourself up over the marathon. You can always do another one, or never do one again....it will be okay either way.

    Hugs to you- hang in there. Talk to someone who loves you.....pray, and have hope.

    Kelly
    sitesx6@aol.com

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  19. I'm sorry that you can't be with your family in OK as much as you would like right now. Don't worry about running - take care of you. My heart goes out to all of you.

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  20. I can relate to your feelings. My family is going through some major stressors right now, and it has definitely effected my running game. It's difficult for me to not be closer to support my family during tough times too.

    I hope things are turning around for you a bit. I'll be running the OBX half too. Hope you can channel some of your stress through running as I am trying to do...

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  21. I agree with A-hood. Beautiful sentiment and I just want to give you a hug!!!! Praying for you!!!

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  22. I pray that you will find your way, your smile, your heart, your peace.. You don't have to be strong right now...but don't let yourself get sucked into a dark place, it is hard to get out.

    Please call or text if you need anything, so wish I could be there to give you a hug. Miss you friend.. find the road..

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  23. From what I've been reading from a lot of people it sound like there is a collective runners funk going on. Add on the dagger of what you have going on with your dad, and nobody could ever blame you for not caring about running right now.

    I don't know how to tell you to break out of it, only that you will, even if it's just to purge some pure anger, sadness, or just in defiance of a world that tends to beat on us all harder than we deserve.

    Thoughts and prayers your way...

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  24. Take the time you need for yourself. You're right...these are times you will never get back and I am thinking about you and praying for you! I know you'd so much rather be back with your family but they know your heart is with them. Praying praying praying!

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You're pretty much awesome!!

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