I've got a bad case of the "I don't care anymore".
I think I'm in BIG trouble for my OBX full Marathon in Nov. I have been off my running game, actually, truth be told I have no running game right now. There are a lot of things that have me not feeling like lacing up and honestly I can't just shake the feeling of not caring. At least not right now. Running has gotten me through some tough times, there is no denying that. But this, right now, is different. I am having a hard time finding the time and when I do find the time I can't find the will, the motivation, to go for a run.
As a Mental Health Professional I'll say it, I feel depressed. I have been worse before, that's no secret. If I'm not full-blown depressed, which I think I am teetering on the edge of depression, I am stressed to the max. I know running can help relieve stress, it has worked in the past, but since moving to NC running just ins't the same anymore. It's not convenient, the scenery stinks, the routes stink. It is more of a chore and a hassle than a pleasure.
LB and I had to leave OK and return to NC. I couldn't keep LB out of school too long. My heart is in OK with my family right now but I can't be there. I will be going back to be with my family, I just don't know when. My dad is hanging in there with hospice care. It breaks my heart not being there....
While I was in OK I did get in a run. I ran the dirt roads I used to run and play on as a kid. I had a lot of fun memories on those roads. As a kid I used to run a mile down the road where my dad would be working on the tractor, or with the cows, or whatever else. I remember learning to drive with my dad on that road, going fishing, chasing cows, checking out deer tracks, or just sitting there with his dinner waiting and watching him on the combine.
As I ran I wanted to run forever, until I was a kid again and I didn't have to worry about grown up things. I wanted to stop at the bridge and look in the water to see me, my reflection as a 10 year old again. But I knew no matter how hard or how far I ran I would end up right back at my parent's house with nothing changed or different. The run let me down, it didn't heal my broken heart, clear my head, or change anything......maybe I had too high of expectations but I hoped I would finish and everything would be different.
So for now, me and running aren't speaking. Hopefully we can work things out soon or else I'll be skipping out of my first North Carolina 26.2.