Topic 12: A Word That Means Something To Me...

Life. 

We only have one....and I don't want to squander it. I want to experience it!

I have realized that just waking up and living is not enough. I want to LIVE LIFE. I want to experience LIFE. I want to be an active participant in my LIFE. I want to make LIFE happen....I want to say "Yeah, I did that."

I want to live the LIFE I love.

You may have noticed that the theme of many of these post lately have circled around choices and life and living....and future. I have really been doing a lot of soul-searching, self-work, and self-evaluation lately. I have noticed that I seem to find myself in the same situation, over and over and over....And it is time to change. Time to take a leap of faith and begin living LIFE. Whether I like it or not LIFE is happening and I don't want to be a bystander and just let it unravel, I want to be involved. I want to dream and make it happen the way I want! For so long I was along for the ride, living the LIFE of a military wife, tagging along on someone else's LIFE dream. I was not in control of anything in my LIFE, or at lease not much. I just had to hold on and say "Ok, I'm in. " I never dared dream of the LIFE I wanted because it seemed impossible and only left me with disappointment. My LIFE would begin after military time was done. I felt I had to chose between the LIFE I had as a military wife, a mom...and the LIFE I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to live LIFE as a wife and a mom, but I also wanted more....but being a military wife did not allow for my dreams of the future. So I gave up on that....I had no dreams beyond "tomorrow" or maybe "next year".

Fast forward to now and I am sitting here. Not a wife (and that's OK!).  I have a bucket full of dreams for my LIFE that I can make happen! I am ready to put a plan into action and begin seeing my dreams actually happen!

I am so excited! for once I have a very vivid picture of my future in my mind. It is amazing! It will take a lot of work and dedication but I can finally being living a purposeful LIFE with a goal....and LIFE is good....and exciting!

So how about you? What is a word that means something to you?

Topic 11: Bad Hair Days....

I've had far too many bad hair days lately.

I made a very very bad decision....all because I am impatient. I have an awesome hair girl. I'm lucky to have found her within weeks of moving back to OK. BUT....as it is with all good hair people she is busy and often difficult to get in to unless I schedule far in advance. I don't plan. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. I hate plans. 

So one Saturday when LB was hanging out and playing with a friend I decided it was my chance to get my hair trimmed....I mean just a little trim, I'm talking a quarter inch off the ends. So I headed in to Super Cuts. I mean it's a trim for crying out loud. What could go wrong? It's just hair, it'll grow...Just a trim.

JUST A TRIM.

JUST A TRIM?

HOLY MOLY LADY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 

IF YOU KEEP GOING IT'S GOING TO BE A MULLET! 

OK, THAT'S GOOD. I THINK WE'RE DONE HERE. 

I have no idea what happened. She put me in her chair. I told her I'm growing my hair out and want to keep it long but need just a trim off the ends to clean it up a bit. And a little trim on the bangs and to frame my face.  She started CHOPPING the sides. I said, "Whoa! If you keep going it's going to be a mullet!" Ugh. I stopped her and left. And now my left head hair is shorter than my right head hair. I'd show a picture but I'm at work and have figured out a way to mask it and make it somewhat disguised.

The worst part? The walk of shame into my old trusted salon to see my amazing girl. There is no denying the fact that I messed up. This is what I get for going outside of my circle of trust. I never should have done that and now I am paying the price. I have learned my lesson and will be planning my hair appointment.  6 weeks out......

Topic 10: Getting up in the Morning....

I don't like it.

But now that I've written that I realize that I should adjust my frame of mind, my negative thinking....I should be grateful for another beautiful morning that I get to rise and shine and live life.

But sometimes I feel like my life could be complete if I got to spend the entire morning in my bed, wrapped in my warm down comforter, snuggled up with Crazy Puppy and sometimes LB (he's almost too good of a cuddle bug, smothers me and somehow gets arms and legs all over the place all at once).

I've set my thermostat to be very low during the night and then warms to 70 at 6:30 AM. This helps me get up. I start to get pretty hot under all my blankets and then eventually I find myself rolling out of bed, grumbling.  I've always had a pretty comfortable bed but two years ago I got a new mattress, a cooling gel memory foam mattress, and it is Ahhhhhhhhhmaaaaaaaazzzzzzziiiiiing. Really it put an end to any early morning runs I have dreams of doing. Nothing it happing in the early morning except me laying, no more wallowing, in my bed, loving life....loving life snuggled in my bed.

Then.....BAM. The alarm.


Ugh.


I have to get up. I have to get LB up and around and ready for school. I have to get ready for work. And then I spend th rest of my day thinking about bed time. Wow. Maybe I have a problem? I bet if I had a rock hard bed I would be much more productive. I'd get up earlier and not go to bed so early.


But sleep is good. It is really important for a healthy lifestyle. Sleep hygiene is one of the most important factors for good mental health.  So yeah, never mind.....I'm going back to bed.....

Look at that face....

He's right in my spot....

Topic 9: Going to the Movies with Friends....

...is fun.

This is a boring topic.

I like going to the movies. The big screen captivates my attention. I LOVE the previews almost as much as the movie. So I really enjoy getting there and eating ALL my Twizlers before the previews are even over.

I have a very hard time sitting through movies at home. I get up and walk around, do things, get side-tracked and distracted. At home I rarely can sit through an entire movie without getting up and missing a big part of it. But in a theater I refuse to get up and go anywhere. I will not get up to go the bathroom unless it's an absolute emergency. I am captivated and thoroughly sucked in. Or just stubborn.

So I am much more likely to go to the movies than to watch one at home. In fact I don't have anything that even plays a DVD. My computer doesn't have a disc drive, neither does LB's. I don't have any gaming systems, other that the WiiFit and that doesn't take a DVD. If I do want to watch something I use Amazon Prime or Hulu and then I pause it or get distracted or fall asleep.

I do want to go to the movies to see the new Hunger Games. I saw the last one on New Year's Eve. Hopefully since I have a kid-free week I'll be able to make ti to a movie!

How about you? Heading to the movies this weekend?

Day 8: Getting a New Phone...

Yes. I want one.

No. I'm not getting one.

Remember a few post back? The one about the important things in life? Yeah, the one where I discovered that the important things aren't actually things? Yeah, I still feel that way. Of course I think the new iPhone is awesome! And of course I'd love to get my grubby little paws on one! But no, I am not going to spend hundreds of dollars on the newest gadget just because it's new and cool. My iPhone 4G is still working just fine. In fact when the iPhone 5 came out I still had the 3G, not even the 3GS, the first generation iPhone is what I had, I think....finally I upgraded about a week after the 5 came out. I was at a race and when I pulled my phone out of my arm band my hands were cold, sweaty, and not functioning and my phone went flying through the air and slammed into the pavement, shattering the screen into a thousand shards. I have to admit I was pretty excited! I left the race and drove straight to the AT&T store where I immediately upgraded to the 4G. They tried to get me to spend more on the 5 but I told them the 4G was so much better than the 3G that it would be awesome to me.

So here I am, at least 3 models behind the newest iPhone. And I'm OK with that...because it's just not important. As long as I can call my friends and family, FaceTime, text, and use the map to get where I'm going then I am happy.....

...and happy and content is a good way to be.

Finding my Soul Mate....

Is there such a thing?

Is a soul mate real?

Does anyone ever find their one and only true soul mate?

Once upon a time I believed in the romantic notion of a soul mate, and if you are lucky enough to really truly honestly be able to say you have found your soul mate....then congratulations. No, really, not being sarcastic, congratulations to you. There are 7.125 BILLION people in this world, so maybe 3.2 billion men, and you have managed to find THE one.

Wow. That sounds somewhat condescending. Doesn't it? Believe me when I say I don't mean it to be rude, I truly am happy for you. But really the idea of one person in this whole entire world that is meant for me,  my partner, my other half is quite honestly depressing. I mean in the scheme of the world I haven't traveled near enough to be able to sift through 7.125 billion people to find my Mr. Soul Mate. I'd say on average I meet 300 new people in a year. And most likely 70% of those are off-limits due to meeting them in my office--ethics prevent me from being friends with clients, so they are automatically off the possibility list. I'm no math whiz but I can certainly crunch some numbers in my mind's eye and know that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the earth's humans.

So have I found my soul mate? No. I don't think so. Will I? If I am lucky....then maybe in that case I should also start playing the lottery.  Hmm......

Have I met a few who could become my soul mate? Become my other half, my better half, a part of me, make me happy, hold my hand to death do us part...I think so, maybe. But then if that is true then what happened? Can he be my soul mate while I am not his? Oh bother.....and then it becomes even more difficult.

So you see, I have decided that I am my own soul mate. I complete me. I make me happy. I will be by my side, through thick and thin, sick and health, good times and bad. I can count on me to never leave me, never walk away when times are tough, when the grass is greener over yonder. I can trust myself to take care of myself, to make choices that are in my own best interest....I am my own soul mate.

And on a separate note, I do believe I have found a number of platonic soul mates. Friends who will last a lifetime and who have proven time and time again that they are here to stay....so a soul mate doesn't have to be a romantic soul mate. I am so grateful for the friends I have made that will without a doubt span the lifetime.

Things I Wish I Had....

I have too much. Too much STUFF.  One perk of the military lifestyle is purging every time you move. Since 2002 I have moved  8 times, central USA to coast to coast to coast to coast. That's a lot of packing.  A lot of boxes. A lot of STUFF.  And every single time I'd wonder, "Where does all this stuff come from?!" And I'd vow to not let it happen again.

It has become clear to me that the things in life that I need, that I want, that I long for, are not in fact things. 

Some things are necessary; food, clothes (unless I move to a nudist colony-not gonna happen), shelter. But most everything else is just extra. It's Life Fluff. Life Fluff can get out of control and begin to feel stifling, overwhelming.  It starts to make the walls close in, the bank account seem too empty, and the clutter just slowly takes over. Minimizing is hard. I have had years that are better than others. I am currently starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with my stuff again. I got rid of a lot when I moved to OK and again it seems to slowly seep back in....I have been trying to do better and practice more mindful spending. I have realized over the past 4 months that I can live much more frugally than I had been. I have realized that I don't really need those new boots or that super cute shirt. I have really begun to evaluate what is important in life and I continue to find myself thinking about all the stuff I have.....and the annoyance it brings to my life; digging through my kitchen cabinets, through all the random things I NEVER use to find the ONE thing I do use, squeezing past the junk in my garage to get inside, searching through loads and loads of laundry for my favorite Saturday lounging outfit, dumping out my hair tie basket to find the only hair tie I ever use, digging through my basket under my bathroom sink to find my deodorant....buried under a million bottles of who-knows-what....you get the idea.

I need to once again minimize.

I have realized that the things I wish I had are not actually things. I wish I had more stamps on my passport. I wish I had a garden....ok, so maybe that is a thing, but it's a different kind of thing. I wish I had a good long run with some of my favorite running buddies (J-Ninja, RED, Mel....). I wish I had a Friday night at Roland's, the dancing studio in Fayetteville, waltzing, swinging, and foxtrotting the night away. I wish I had a weekend on the beach, to sit and watch the sun rise with the sand and salt water rushing up over my legs. I wish I had an afternoon to sit on my porch, in my rocking chairs catching up with old friends. I wish I had a night to set up my camera and tripod to take time lapse photos of the stars with an old friend. I wish I had one more day with my dad, just to sit beside him and hear his voice.  I wish I had a week to spend in the mountains of Colorado, to hike the trails where I went as a kid. I wish I had a Saturday afternoon coffee date with The Sailor's Wife. I wish I had the means to help more people, to give to charities, the poor, hungry, and sick. I wish I had more memories playing on the trampoline with LB in the back yard. I wish I had shot the bow and arrow at the hay bail more often. I wish I had swam out into to ocean with him more than just sitting and watching him play....I could go on and on. What I have realized is that moments are so brief. My iPhone, computer, blog, Facebook...it will all be there later. But right now, this moment, is here only for right now....and want to live it fully!  I am working to collect memories, not things.

So there you have it....the things I wish I had.....

My Ever-Changing Life Goals....

Does anyone ever know their life goals...like really KNOW them and keep them? Maybe so. Maybe some people do...but for me, I don't. Mine seem to be ever-changing. From one day to the next they change. Some parts of the life goals stay the same. Like being a good, kind human being. That will never change. But what do I want to do with my life. Like REALLY want to DO with my life?

As I was driving to work this morning it hit me. I want to be great. I want to do great things. I don't want to be ordinary. I want to be EXTRAordinary.  I want to make a mark on the world. I think I currently do make a mark, a little one. But to the people I work with I am sure my mark isn't so little. As a mental health professional I see people's lives change and move forward every day . I also see people stay stuck, but those I can't do anything about. I can't work harder than my clients. If they don't want to change then I cannot help them. But the ones who want to change, want to make life better...those I can help. And it is those people that make my job so awesome! I love to see people move from the depths of deep, dark despair to seeing the sunlight, the beauty of the world around them, despite the hardships of life. It is those hardships that make up our life, they remind us that we are LIVING, and make us ever so grateful for the good times.

Am I living? Yes. I am living. But I have recently realized that I don't want to just sit around and let life happen. I want to MAKE my life happen. I moved to Oklahoma with a 5 year plan. I love being here and being near family. I love that LB is getting to hang out with his cousins and they are becoming like siblings. You see, it wasn't my life goal to be a single mom with one kid. I always wanted 5 kids. Five boys to be exact. But now I am accepting that may not happen. It might, but time is not on my side and the thought of having four more little humans kinda scares me these days. So that is one life plan that has drastically changed. I planned to be a doting wife, a super mom, and a part-time therapist. Wow, how those plans have changed. Now I am a single mid-thirties mom working by bootie off full-time, being as good of a mom as I can, with hardly any time to date. And if I do....dating with a kid is hard.

So my life plan, as it stands today:

Own my own private practice, working no more than 30 hours a week, in a small beach town. This business will address the whole person; mind, body, and spirit. It will address nutrition, fitness, and mental well-being. It will be awesome. Going to work every single day will not feel like work. I will have an awesome building surrounded by a beautiful garden where we can sit outside for sessions of therapy, nutrition consultation, or yoga, if we'd like.

Own a home within blocks of the beach and my office so I can walk to work, or ride by beach cruiser, or Vespa. Sit on my porch and drink my morning coffee, enjoying the beauty of God's handy work...every.single.day. And eat from my garden. Year round.

Live frugally. Purge unnecessary clutter from my life. Save, invest, and pay off debt so that I can travel and enjoy life.

Invest fully in relationships. Build strong friendships and maintain connections so that my life is fulfilled, even without a husband and five rowdy boys ransacking my life (and I mean that lovingly).

So there is it. My ever-changing life goal. Is this within reach on a 5 year scale? Maybe. I'm not sure. It all depends on how dedicated I am to the parts of my life that will get me to my goal. I am starting to make my plan. How do I get from Point A to point B? That I am not sure....but rest assured it will happen. Someday 5 Miles Past Empty will be 5 Miles Round Trip: House, Beach, Work....Life. 

And I cannot wait!

So what is your ever-changing life goal?