...yeah. I had no idea. I mean I guess I knew but I didn't know. You know what I mean? I knew I'd lost it, but I had no idea what it was. It was my Muchness...Once upon a time I was much muchier. I had much more...more me. More carefree and fun. More laughs and more silliness. Much less seriousness, much less world on my shoulders. Much more sense of adventure...Then all of a sudden s$%# got real. Life happened and I found myself with much more responsibility and much less breathing room. A view of the world that was much less happy and safe and much more dark and real. So many things have happened over the past few years and each of those things took pieces of my Muchness...I left Washington and my friends, my dad died, my husband and I split, my grandma died, friends have waxed and waned....I am consistently here and breathing. But my Muchiness, notsomuch.
Last night I was out to dinner with a friend. He told me, "You've lost your muchness..." At first I was confused. Have I? How is that possible? What is it that I have lost? Wait, people can tell I've lost it? But he was right and I new it. I am not the same me I was, I mean I am but I'm not. I don't want to feel 30 something...but I'd rather feel 30 something than 40 something (no offense to those who are 40 somethings...). Change is good but not all change is good.
Here is a clip in case you have no idea what I'm talking about:
So, it's true. I used to be "much muchier". At this very point in time I've lost my "muchness". I looked it up just to be sure I truly understood and sure enough, it means "the quality of being in great quantity, extend, or degree." So the Mad Hatter was pointing out that Alice had lost some of who she used to be, she had lost some of herself, her true essence of herself, as she'd grown older. I'm determined to not let life take anymore of my muchness....I've got many more years and experiences ahead of me. At the rate I'm going I'll have lost ALL my Muchness, not just a chunk.
This summer it is my mission, with the help of my friend who wasn't afraid to tell me how it is and all my other friends who've missed my Muchness, to get my Muchness back. I've lost sight of me, or maybe I was never in sight of myself...but it's time. Now, just to figure out how exactly I can do that.....