Friday, September 14, 2012

Total Revamp--Epic Fail-And a Confession...

First the revamp fail. Then the confession....

The Revamp of my OBX Marathon Training Plan is not going so well. I'm not ashamed to admit when things flop. In fact, I'm not even surprised when things flop these days. I am actually pleasantly surprised when things DON'T flop. My schedule has been whonky lately and my long runs have been suffering. I missed my 15 miler last weekend and don't see me doing much more than 8 this coming weekend. LB will be coming along on his bike and he hasn't ridden that far before so we will see how it goes.

I am seriously evaluating my ability to safely run OBX. The last thing I want is another two month set-back where I am unable to walk, run, swim, bike, or move. I know from experience that 26.2 is not a distance race that I can just cruise on up to the start line ill prepared for, and make it to the finish unscathed. That has disaster written all over it. I saw how well that went over at Big Sur and I was better prepared for that race than this one, but still not appropriately trained.

So what is going on in 5 Mile land? Lots. What is the confession? Really the last year, since my dad died, has been a whirlwind, an emotional roller-coaster. I have been in a tail-spin, a tornado, of confusion and frustration. But then again, it hasn't been ALL bad. I have had some really great moments and I use those to reconnect, to come back to reality, to realize that life is good, I have people. And my people have me. Sometimes when I step back and analyze the past year it is like a bad after school program on USA and I wonder, "Is this really my life? How did my life come to this? To be this topsy-turvy?How is it that I could seriously be on the Jerry Springer Show?" My dad died in October, it's hard to believe it's been almost a year. Then in March The Hubs moved out and is on the fast track to becoming X-Hubs. That's right. Going to the big D and don't mean Dallas.....It was difficult for me, difficult to process, to accept, to come to terms with. It's been difficult to hold it in, to not let you all know what has been going on and why I have been so absent or so off with my training, why I seemed to have lost my wit and humor.  I have felt like I was keeping a big dark secret from you all. But then again, it wasn't something I was able or ready to talk about and how do you just come out and say it? Many of you picked up on it a few months ago, sent me emails to check in, and have been in close contact regularly. It has helped so much, more than you can imagine. And I sit here today, just like yesterday and hopefully tomorrow, knowing that everything will be A-Okay. How do I know? Because I just do....I am strong, I ran a marathon or two or three and an a half, afterall. And I have already seen that God is good, my family is amazing, my friends are out of this world supportive, and I can, do and will have a smile on my face. So you see, exciting things and changes are happening here in 5 Mile Land! I am excited to see where life takes me and LB. Where we end up, the adventures we will have, and the stories I will tell. So there you have it. Will I have a few more bumps in the road? Of course. Will it keep me down? Absolutely not

Whew....

38 comments:

  1. Hang in there! You've had a pretty rough year and I can't imagine having to do through all those emotions all the time! there are plenty of races when you are ready to take them on...focus on what is right for you right now and the running will always be there!

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    1. You are so right...running will be there, through thick and thin. Thank you!

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  2. That's a lot to take in over a year's time. It's fine to not quite be yourself. In the end things will settle and you'll be you again. At the end of the day, if you want to do OBX, you will. If it's not important right now, then it's not important. Sometimes emotional things are worse for running than injuries, and if running adds onto that and doesn't take away from it, then you probably don't have to be doing a marathon right now.

    That being said, I think you can still get up for this thing if you decide to channel everything you've been going through into it. Sometimes focusing that is hard, but if that's what you want, I think you can still make an impact and go the 26.2.

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    1. Once upon a time I channeled so much hurt and heartache into my training. The result was the best marathon of my life...and my first. For some reason this time around I just don't seem to have the fight in me. I am tired. You're right, I will be me again and feel the love for the run. Thanks!

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  3. It's my job to hear this stuff after all, and it still makes me sad to see people go through it. It's bad. You're badder. Cause you're a badass.

    Hang in there. I know it will get better. If you need a divorce lawyer brain to vent to, let me know. *virtual hug*

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    1. THANKS!!

      So um, YES. I'd love to pick your brain on a few things....if you get a chance shoot me an email: 5miles2empty@gmail.com

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  4. I can't even imagine how hard the last year must have been for you with all that on top of injuries and being a mom. You are a very strong woman, keep it up! Sending cross country hugs your way!

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    1. Thank you so much...sometimes I wonder how I get out of bed in the morning. ;)

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  5. Wow. Just... wow. I'm so sorry you've been dealt such a shitty hand. But you're right--it WILL be okay!

    And, HEY, the hubs was the only reason you were stuck in NC, right? Maybe this is your out????? :)

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    1. Maybe this is my ticket outa here!! =) Always a bright side!

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  6. Yikes.. I've been there, so if you need an ear, I'm DEFINITELY hear to listen. You're incredibly strong, and I promise you'll come out of this even stronger. Lots of love..

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    1. Thank you so so much. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?! I am feeling stronger every day. And I have learned a lot through all this.

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  7. I'm a regular reader but also a stranger- given that, I honestly hope for the best for you and your son. And wish for you to have happier times in the future.

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    1. Thank you so much, that really means a lot to me. I am hoping for happier times too and I can honestly say I am hopeful and I believe happier times are not far off! =)

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  8. Speaking from been there and done that big D thing my son and I are very much happy and healthy today. In fact that's one reason I Began running was from feelings of failure from D and all the suckyness I went through. Yes, God is good! And you will be stronger in the end. I agree to take care of YOU first! If OBX isn't going to pan out this year there's always another ...but you've got a little time yet! :-) hugs and prayers you and your sons way!

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    1. Thank you so much Jessica--and I will be responding to your email tonight! It really helps to hear happy/healthy success stories of D-Survival. =)

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  9. Divorce is tough. I went thru it at way to young of an age but years later, me and my son are stronger than ever. I have been with an amazing man for the last 7 years and the word marriage still scares me for fear that it will end in divorce, maybe I'll get over that or maybe I won't but I know I can't let it affect who I am or the relationships I have. I knew that I was strong then and that I am strong now and that has helped a lot.
    YOU are one strong woman and you and your little man will be just fine. Hugs and prayers to you!

    P.S. I used to have my son ride the bike along side me on my long runs. Furthest he went was 11 miles. He could handle it but was more just bored on the straight path we were on, he wanted some bumps and turns and who knows what else haha. Good luck on the training and if it doesn't work out maybe choose a spring marathon? Or how about you come run the Seattle Rock and Roll marathon with Wear Blue Run to Remember next June?? :)

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    1. Thank you so much Cynthia! I can see how marriage is quite frightening at this point. But every time I hear from someone who has survived and came out happy it helps and gives me hope.

      PS LB made it 6.25 miles on his bike. It was me that quit. He could have kept going! =)

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  10. You will be fine. My wife left me and the kids 25 years ago. It was a tough roller coaster being a single Dad. Nearly 18 years ago I met the most wonderful woman. We married and the good Lord allowed us to adopt a baby boy. He is 11 now. Life has been super. God has a purpose for us. You are right not to worry too much. Just leave it in the Lord's hands.

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    1. Another happy ending! Thank you so much for sharing. Each time someone tells me they not only survived but came out ok and happy it gives me hope! I'm giving to God. He is in control now. =)

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  11. You are amazing A. I truly believe that we are never given more than we can handle, although sometimes it doesn't seem that way.

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    1. I think you are right---And good grief I have been given a hand and I have to use this grow. Thank you!

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  12. Aw, hugs to you. Keep your chin up & legs running, you'll be fine! God Bless!

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    1. Thank you!!! Just gotta get those legs to running....

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  13. Atta girl! Been thinking of you lots!

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  14. I'm so sorry. Great attitude and good things will come your way, I just know it :)

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    1. I am glad you know it!! And thanks for letting me in on the secret! =) JK I know you are right! Thanks!

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  15. Love you! I can feel the weight lifted off. You know I am here for you whenever, but honestly I have no advice...this is so out of my league. what I do know is you are amazing, and you deserve the best.

    the 1 year mark is a tough one... maybe take the day off and take care of yourself.. I am almost 2 years from the death of my Dad and it still doesnt seem real some days.

    LOVE YOU!! MISS YOU!!

    I pray that next time I see you, you will be Amanda again, the Amanda I know you want and CAN be again..

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    1. My Mel, my Rock, my Friend. Thank you for never failing to be there for me....you are a blessing!

      Love you!!

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  16. So sorry life has been so heavy. Praying that you come out stronger when the dust settles...and it will settle.

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    1. Thank you so much Shelly! I really appreciate it! I see the dust settling a little bit...a few wind storms here and there stir it up now and then, but it is settling. =)

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  17. Ah, honey, thanks so much for your honesty. I kinda guessed what was going on but figured that you'd tell us when you were ready.
    P.S. I raised a son as a single mom and he's doing well, I'm doing well. Heck, even the dog is doing well. Follow your heart and listen to your gut, and it will all turn out. What worked for me all those years was swimming. I was often too tired to run but swimming, well, you can do that lying down.
    Hugs from Alaska,

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  18. This breaks my heart but I know you will get through this. Look for good and know that you are loved. I am so sorry you have to go through so much. I too have days where I wonder where to find my "motivation"? As much as well all bond and love over running, it is not life. Running enhances life. Do what you need to do to heal and get stronger. I am behind you! Praying!

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  19. I know that must have been really hard to write. I'm sorry for your whirlwind of a year and wish the best for you. You seem to have a very positive attitude towards the situation though! You should be proud of that.

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  20. Do what is good and right. Praying for the best for you and your son.

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  21. I know how tough divorce is--and that you're a tough chick and will come through it wiser and ultimately happier. Maybe you'll make your way back to Oklahoma? If so, you and I are going on a trail run!! ;) Hang in there!

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You're pretty much awesome!!

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