This past week has been somewhat of a struggle. I ran. Not much, and not too happily but I did run. I have not lost sight of my goal, that sub 2 hour Seattle Half. But there comes a time, I think, when every runner asks themselves, “What is it all for, anyway?” At the end of the day what does running mean to me? Sometimes it is a pain in my a@$, sometimes it is the only thing I can think about, sometimes I can’t think straight until I have a good run behind me, sometimes it makes me feel down on myself, not good enough, or fast enough (thankfully those days are rare). But really, running is for me. It is mine. It is what I do to be me. To be not only me but the best me I can be.
I miss the empty dirt roads by the home I grew up in. You could run for miles north, south, east or west on nothing but a red dirt road. It was so quiet and lonesome (in a good way). When I first started running here in Tacoma I was so unfulfilled by it. There were cars everywhere, stoplights every 5 blocks, college kids heckling me from their cars, dips in the sidewalk, crosswalks! I couldn’t get into a running grove to save my life. I couldn’t get any meditation going or thoughts flowing. I could not work through my day without a honk or a whistle. It took me a while to realize that I am a farm girl stuck in a city, surrounded by people.
I am not embarrassed to say that I went to therapy for a while. Partly it was required for my schooling but partly because I needed it and I believe we all can benefit from personal exploration. Anyways, in one particular session I remember talking about how busy life was around me, all the time. As a kid one of my favorite things to do was to sit on the train trestle and look out for miles. And just sit quietly. I can’t find that here. I can’t go for a run and be completely alone and surrounded by wide open spaces.
Here are some pictures of "my" trestle and train tracks...
Life is a balance, my life is a balance. And every so often I feel so off balance that I have to step back and remember what it is all for. Last week was my step back.
Today I am grateful for:
Friends who are always willing to help me out!
Run Happy Peeps!