Monday, December 1, 2014

Topic 13: Write a Letter to Someone I Need to Forgive...

One thing I know for sure is that forgiveness often is something that is done for yourself. Carrying hurt, resentment, and anger is exhausting and really does no one any good at all. I'd like to think that I'm pretty good about forgiving people. I don't carry a lot around with me. I can't. It's too much.  When you forgive someone you certainly are not excusing the behavior or saying what they did was ok or acceptable. When you forgive them you are doing so so that their behavior does not destroy your own heart.

Here it goes...

An open letter to the person who hurt my feelings,

Dearest,
I have a tendency of putting my head in the sand. It helps me get through the tough times. I push things away, pretend they aren't really happening, or just straight up shove them aside so that I don't have to acknowledge it. Often times I distance myself from others when I am hurting. And then I find that the one who hurt me is no longer there, mysteriously, or maybe conveniently, having bowed out. Disappeared. Ducked out while I was ducked under. I don't know where you are, how you are, what you are up to.  So this is the only way I can get you a message, not that you read my blog though. 
The thing is I have always been nice. Really nice. Sometimes people mistake my niceness for naivety or being oblivious.  But I can assure you I am neither. I notice things going on around me and I take note. I often catch discrepancies and they sometimes hit me in the face like frying pans, or a wok.  But I rarely confront. I like to wait and see....watch what happens. Then I can decide what to do. Do you know what it feels like to be told you are awesome, or "amazing"?  Completely unprompted? Let me try to express to you the hope and loyalty that grows inside of a girl who has the Great Wall of China built up inside. It may have taken a few months but the most amazing thing is the moment I realized that the wall had been peacefully torn down, so peacefully that I didn't even realize until I was left wide open, vulnerable. I don't think I will ever understand why someone takes such pleasure in being a Knight in Shining Armor just to turn around and be the villain. Why take the time to carefully and gently tear down a wall, brick by brick, so delicately that there is nary an indication it was ever there, just to plummet through the once barricaded boundary and kill the unsuspecting fledgling heart? The only thing I can compare it to is working months and months to earn the trust of a stray dog, a stray who is doing just fine on it's own mind you. Who has found a nice warm shelter where it's cozy and safe.  And it has found a place where it can eat every single day, without fail, and has found a way of life that works and is just fine. It gets handouts from random animal lovers consistently and is comfortable the way things are.  But one day a man comes and sees this dog and says, "Wow, what a great dog! I can't believe no one else wants it! It's so fluffy and cute! Such an amazing dog! I need to take care of this dog."  He just has to convince this stray dog to eat out of his hands. Eventually this dog's go-to food sources quit watching and waiting for it. It's friends stopped coming around because it was always with the kind man. And being with him is what it loved! He made the dog feel special! He took extra care to not scare it and to make sure it was taken care of in every way. He ran off bully dogs who wanted to steal it's spot under the shed. He eventually led it to his house where it had warm blankets and an amazing doggie bed....they play fetch and went on doggy walks to the lake. They did thing together that dogs dream of doing with their human......You get the drift. Then BAM. One day the man was gone. He didn't even say good bye. No more food, no more treats, no more petting or attention. No more doggie bed.  He just simply decided that this poor stray dog was no longer worth his time.  Or maybe he had to go and couldn't take the dog. Either way he didn't even say goodbye to the dog, gave no indication that he wouldn't be back. The dog sat, patiently waiting for him to return, to hear his whistle or his voice. Surely he wouldn't just leave me here, it thought. He wanted me! He worked so hard to get me to come to here; there is no way he doesn't want me anymore....Why would he bother to do this for me if he didn't really want me? I can't believe that he would do that. Maybe something awful happened? Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe there is something wrong with me? 
I know the truth though, the truth about that stray dog and about myself. There is nothing wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with me. Maybe I did do something wrong, or something not right enough.  But the fact of the matter is I forgive you. I know that in relationships there  are only two endings: Together forever or break up. So there is no surprise there that the relationship ended. However the surprise is in the manner in which it ended. And that is what I forgive you for. I forgive you for slowly building my trust, slowing making me feel safe and happy. Slowly convincing me that I would not regret taking a chance on you....only for you to disappear like Houdini. I forgive you for not valuing me as a person, not recognizing that I am a human with thoughts, feelings and emotions. I forgive you for dehumanizing me and tossing me to the side like I didn't matter, like a stray dog who was fun for a time being.  Like I never did matter and I never will (to you anyway).  
You see, I know that people are going to hurt me. They have in the past and they will in the future. I don't want to continue on in life untrusting and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to rebuild my ginormous wall, the one that I now know really doesn't protect me at all. If it remains strong and tall I hurt, living a lonely life not connecting to others. Or I take it down and I am left wide open to hurt, pain, and rejection. So either way I recognize that I won't actually be able to find true, strong love if I keep my wall up. And the only way to know is to let the wall down, invite them in and just wait and see...I do have a hopelessly optimistic view of people and I believe that not everyone is out to hurt me. In fact I don't believe you really intended to hurt me the way that you did. I don't believe that you meant to come in like a wrecking ball (wow, I thought Miley might come in handy for me one day) and completely ransack my chest cavity.  You see, I understand your struggles as well. That's a part of loving someone. You know, loving all their flaws and imperfections. I saw yours and I accepted them. But I didn't see the end coming. I had finally allowed myself to take a chance and think about the future....
One thing I have learned over the years is that you can love someone but that doesn't mean they are good for you. And just because someone hurts you doesn't mean you immediately stop loving them. What I have noticed is that long after the dust has settled and the scars have healed, even with the memory of the pain and the hurt, the love is still there. You don't just stop. It doesn't go away. Over the years I have come realized that once I love someone I always will. The capacity and intensity may change, but the love never dies. Many times I think long-after-the-fact love is often confused with hate, hatred, or anger. But I know that you cannot hate someone unless you  first love them...and even then you don't actually hate them. You love them. And they hurt you. And thus when you say you hate someone  what you are really saying is that you love them and they hurt you so badly that you are choosing not to recognize that love and you are renaming it: Hate.
I don't acknowledge hate, unless it is used in a sentence with spiders. Then I really believe in HATE, the hate that has nothing to do with love....But I digress....For me, love is a strong and necessary tool used in forgiveness. And love for myself is what allows me to continue to love and care for those who otherwise could not possibly care less for me. It allows me to see my own beauty and potential, even when and if they aren't recognized by others. Love is hope. For me it is hope in the future and it makes every morning as exciting as Christmas morning...what will I do today? Who will I meet today? Who will I hear from today? What will my heart experience today?  
Yes, you may have broken my heart, but you have not broken me or my ability to love. As for me, I will be OK because I have no other option. I chose love. And I chose to forgive. So don't worry about me. I hope you are doing well and I wish you love and happiness in the New Year.
Your's Truly,
A



P.S. I  am going to be SO happy to finish all these pre decided topics and get back to fitness blogging!!! 

4 comments:

  1. Loved everything about this. <3
    You are a great writer and hopefully writing it helped with the healing. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you....it did help to get it all out here. I've thought about taking it down 100 times since positing this.

      Delete
  2. Did you know that you can shorten your long urls with Shortest and get dollars for every click on your shortened urls.

    ReplyDelete

You're pretty much awesome!!

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails